i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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