If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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