If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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