this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
