sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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