We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
