Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
