My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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