I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
