I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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