i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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