Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
