dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
