I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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