i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
