11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
