Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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