My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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