FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
