I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
