Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
