Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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