ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
