Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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