I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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