When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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