yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
