We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
