DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
