Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
