Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize