Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
