dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
