yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
