Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize