I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
