I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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