If that was your dad, he is hot
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
