I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
