I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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