I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
