I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
