Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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