Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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