my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
are you so shy because you have an std?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
