Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My bed smells like the plague
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