I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
