what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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