I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I smell like Dick and happiness
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
