you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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