oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize