its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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