I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You dont lie about slip and slides
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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