ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
