Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
