Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
bring money and cleavage
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize