Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
