if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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