The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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