i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
