Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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