Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
