We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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